I was unable to work for the first 6 months of my marriage, again because I am not a citizen. It was very hard to cope with feelings of self-worth (or lack thereof) and I got very depressed. My husband had no idea what was going on and there were a lot of.. mm... "quiffs" But we didn't learn much from it and now that he's unemployed (for diff. reasons) it started all over again. Finally, we've got it figured out. You can contribute to the household in other ways! Imagine that. My husband cooks me dinner!

Congrats, Mia!! I too LMAO, and incidentally, egg-whites are good for the skin:-)

I too wanted to respond to redsonya: like Dawn, my husband cannot work due to INS regulations. We're both not American citizens and from our perspective, the American dream is far from achievable even in the realm of fantasy (unless we win the lottery). We've been in our situation for almost 8 months now, and what has helped us not turn on one another is the undisputed belief that we are in this together. Corny as that might sound, I honestly believe that maintaining that focus, having really good, supportive friends and sympathetic family, and doing things that restore our self-esteem--music, yoga, poker, friends, hikes, whatever it is one can do that is within one's reach--helps us. I am also fortunate that both of us hold progressive views on gender roles and relations, and are strong enough to deflect criticism or snide remarks from some members of the family.

The biggest part of that perhaps is believing that it is the situation that is challenging and difficult and not us as individuals--makes sense? While I am certainly a believer in individual will and hard work, I think the American myth of will-over-circumstance is actually detrimental to a healthy sense of self. Because when things are not going so well, it lets us think that ultimately we are somehow responsible, that we are "losers", "failures" etc. etc. It is helpful to hold/ build a belief-system where your husband can see that those who succeed are not merely smarter at working the system. They have certain structural advantages that, in the current moment, help them adapt better.

We've over-thought our situation over the last few months, realised that we made some bad decisions, try to identify opportunities that will help us plan better for the future, and just focus on living, breathing, laughing. It is hard not to let money or lack of it define us in this society. But that's exactly where we need to be most vigilant--if it takes telling yourself and one another that you are good, worthy people trying your best like everybody else, then repeat that a hundred times a day. You cannot internalize other peoples' judgements, or dominant cultural messages that judge your worth by your possessions, jobs, money, etc. etc. If that requires turning off the television, not watching commercials, so be it! (I mute them or use that time to wash a plate or two, or do little increments of cleaning, or smooch:-) because I hate hate hate how loud and ugly some commercials are in telling me what I need to be doing with my life and my money!)
And corny thought #2: every day IS a new beginning. So take a deep breath every morning and determine to do your best. How the day turns out, whether you get clients or not, is not entirely up to you. But you did your best. We are not defined by outcomes, but by our efforts. That is a key distinction.
Good luck,
kala

Yeah, good point. How much of your new raise are you going to save Mia? :D